Thursday, March 22, 2007

I hate looking into peoples eyes, judging the way they act, speak, move, etc. I do it all the time. Most people I see, on a regular basis, occasionally, maybe just once a day, or lifetime...I judge. Now I don't criticize these people in my mind, I judge the way they interact in every little aspect of life, watch their eyes, their social interactions, the slightest physical movements, variances in conversation, where they look when they walk, everything. I may not really see how people are, after all I am just looking at the cover of the book...but so many times in life, the things I perceive have come true with the people I do get to know.
So why does this bother me? Because I feel bad for people. So many I can tell have deep problems inside, things that may have been ingrained inside of them, that they will never escape. I pity these people, I'm no better, but my sorrow extends towards them. In turn I feel sorrow for something I cannot control. For example, a master seargant in my unit...I never talk to him but I see him around a lot, he's often is in charge of morning formation. He has a lot of trouble speaking publicly, and his voice is high pitched, hard to understand in the first place. When in front of the unit he stutters radically and his eyes give off a sense of fear. Today I was working in an annex, a place many people usually don't go, I saw him walking around, with a look that just screamed pain, just trying to escape the presence of people around him. It made me think, and i felt bad for him, I felt his pain.
A lot of people like to make fun of people with small things wrong that make them targets for criticism...I cant do that, I see deeper and the guilt of insulting people because of something perceived on the outside would kill me. There is always more to people, yet so much can be understood from the outside, just not too specifically. Watch peoples eyes, they are the biggest clue, not just how they move but look for the emptiness, it appears in a lot of people, maybe for just a moment, but its easy to spot, and once noticed, it will be all you notice. Thats my problem, I spot this and I no longer see more to the person. I see the pain caused from whatever and it hurts me.
I hate it. So many friends have come to me in the past with problems because I can understand, I'm not just a good listener. The problem is, worrying about other people so much prevents me from worrying about myself. I can sit down with someone and give them the greatest advice, know how to make them listen to what I say, relate to them, tell them what I learned from personal experiences and tell them what they need to hear, yet fail to listen to my own advice.
I wish that I didn't see these things in people, and its not just sorrow I see in people...I see who they are, and what is attempted to be covered. I cant say anything to people though, denial is the immediate reaction when one feels their cover is broken, not worth my time. I've tried, wont again.
I'm not the kid from 6th sense, people are the easiest book to read. Just had to write this, I don't even know why.


Abominable's Main Squeeze said...

You've always had that gift--and it is a wonderful gift. It's real name is "compassion." Unfortunately, too few people have it. And, also unfortunately, we very often forget to exercise it on ourselves.

That was a very insightful blog. Thank you.

I love you very much.

Kelsey said...

I know the feeling and it's really hard to deal with, but wouldn't you rather feel for people than be a selfish person? You're a good guy and I'm really glad to have you for a brother.

Anonymous said...

I have always told you I see so much good in you. You are a wonderful person and one of my best friends. I know I've prob asked too much from you as of late and for that I'm so sorry. I'm so greatful for all you have showen me and done for me.

I'm always here for you Sean no questions about it. Please don't ever hesate to call on me for anything. I'll do anything for you Sean no matter what I hope you remember that.
love ya buddy!